Penance of Hope
by dennisud
Summary: Christmas usually brings happiness and joy. But with Shinji, Ikari, it brings dispair and lost Hope. What will he do next? My entry to Ryoma's Christmas Contest. Formatting Now fixed!


Disclaimers: Neon Genesis Evangelion and all related characters, concepts, etc. are Property of ADVision and Gainax. I only *wish* they were mine. This is a "what if" story based on Ryoma's contest with a Christmas theme.   
  
Penance of Hope  
  
Shinji Ikari woke up from an imaginary nightmare of killing the final angel, his friend Kowaru, to the stark nightmare of reality. As he shook his head to clear the horrendous memories of his friends' death, . at his hands, he surveyed his room, which was at one time kept neat and tidy, with nothing out of place. Some who knew him would have said that his room could have been displayed in a museum as an example of uniform conformity.  
  
But now it seemed to be competing with the rest of the apartment for the messiest prize award of Tokyo-3. And this was after Unit-00's massive explosion.  
  
But he couldn't really blame himself for this, as he wasn't in the apartment enough to have the time to clean it the first place. So he slowly got up, and made his way through the clutter of books, clothes and other personal items, and headed to the bathroom to complete his morning rituals. It seems that even in extreme circumstances, humans are creatures of habit. So he was making his way there until he found himself in front of Misato's bedroom door. Peeking into Misato's room, he had though the room was messier than his was, it was normal for it to be that way. However, Shinji could see a clean bed among the sea of clothes, ramen cartons, wadded up papers, and cans of beer. The clean bed told him that his guardian and friend hadn't been home that night. Shinji sighed, as this behavior had been ongoing since the disappearance of Rouji Kaji. Deep down Shinji knew in his heart that Kaji was dead. Killed most likely by either an order from Commander Ikari, Shinji's estranged father, or those who were the agents' enemies. The Third Child had the feeling that Misato knew this as well, but that didn't make him feel any better. In fact, it made Shinji even sadder, at not being able to help his guardian, and friend. Shinji didn't go to her when she broke down crying. She had found out of her lover's demise, but his fear made him weak and unable to help her then. That He felt if he had been stronger and been more of a son to her, she wouldn't be working all these hours at Nerv. Shinji also knew she was following the same search for truth, but truth was only a dead end path Kaji had driven fatally. Shinji knew he had to help her.  
  
Shinji shook his head as he could plainly see that he hadn't helped her, even though she tried to comfort him. And what did he do when she did that? He shunned her attempt, and caused her to drift further away from him and towards the same end her lover achieved. Abruptly he turned, and took a few steps down the hallway to enter the bathroom.  
  
He disrobed mechanically, then turned the shower on, simply stepped into the tub and drew the curtain. Shinji didn't seem to care weather the water was cold or warm. He knew that the water would warm up, but he wanted to feel the guilt the cold water symbolized. But that didn't last long. Then, all those thoughts came rushing into his mind.  
  
Shinji was unable to cope with the intense emotions that were riding through his body like an uncontrolled Tsunami. The feelings of hatred, love, sadness, and grief, coupled with the unmistakable and overwhelming feel of nostalgia was too much for him. So he fell to his knees, and closed his tearing eyes, trying to shut the world off. Trying to shut it all off, and kill every thought, everyone, and everything away.  
  
When he let the soothing warm water of the shower calm him, Who slowly cleared all thoughts away, which was one of the reasons he was showering. Shinji then let himself think of his other roommate.  
  
Asuka Langley Souryu was lying in the Nerv Infirmary, not reacting to the outside world, reliving her memories of her life. From her few memories of her life before Eva from taking her mother's sanity, to her father abandoning her. From her solitary dedication to being the best Evangelion pilot, to all her experiences of the Angel war, to her ill fated love of Rouji Kaji, to her dysfunctional relationships with Shinji, Asuka, and the other personnel at Nerv.  
  
Also, to her friendship with Hikari Horaki, and with the other Eva pilots.  
  
All these memories had the effect of putting her in a self-induced coma, which was now an internalized hell for her that Shinji blamed himself for. He could easily imagine some of what Asuka was going through as he himself had enough bizarre experiences to fill a few Mangas. But, he knew that he didn't have all the blame.  
  
Had his father let him help her during the fifteenth angel's attack, he thought he might have prevented what happened next. Later, she berated him and sent him away from her. Then she ran away, into the ruins of the devastated city, only to be found days later in an abandoned building, naked with her clothes neatly folded next to a foul bathtub and with a purposely-cut wrist. It was obvious to Shinji that she wanted death instead of having to deal with the hell she perceived herself to be in. Had he been stronger for her, be more of what she wanted him to be, then he thought he might have helped her more. He was convinced Asuka would not be in this self-imposed coma if he had not failed her. Silently, in the apartments' bathroom, Shinji cried and allowed the showers spray to carry those tears of sadness away. He now had two people he cared about whom he failed miserably. He'd failed; his friends as well, even his bastard father who he now had no feelings for, but he still carried the guilt of his failure along with the rest.  
  
Then his dark thoughts wandered to Rei Ayanami. She was an enigma , which even after what he had found out about her, wasn't much clearer to him even now.  
  
He had to think about the revelations he knew of, especially after Ritsuko conducted that little tour for him and Misato in Terminal Dogma . He had to acknowledge some facts. First, Rei was as Kaoru, a clone of another person, namely his mother Yui Ikari. So, for all intents and purposes, she was his . sister. Even with the insinuations Ritsuko had made during that time, he knew Rei was .Rei. He knew now where his mother's spirit resided.  
  
After the revelations in Terminal Dogma, his memories began slowly returning from when he was stuck within the Eva. So, he had enough knowledge to figure out that although Rei was a clone of his mother, her soul, her spirit was her own. That still didn't explain her appearance or her emotionless state, but, he still resolved to help her as well. He still was leery at the idea of her being the third Rei, as he still deeply missed her second incarnation. But this fear was put aside as Shinji finally came to a decision. He knew that a set and decisive act might wake his father to his callousness, and with that those he cared about would be helped.  
  
After he got out of the shower, he resolved to see them once more as he had made up his mind that whatever came now, he would protect them up to and beyond the point of mortality. Yes, he would sacrifice himself to atone for his failures. That would satisfy his guilt and allow his conscience to be clear. His self doubt now gone, and he smiled a sad smile as he began his preparations and his final act.  
  
At the same time, not too far from the Katsuragi apartment building a lone figure was making it's way to the Nerv Infirmary. The rail train the figure had departed from had come from the city of Tokyo-2. As the figure passed the lone working lamppost on the street, it became apparent that the figure was a woman. No, a teenage girl by the size and shape of her body, and the fact that she was dressed in a school uniform. Odd she would be wearing that since none of the schools were open in Tokyo-3 anymore, since Eva Unit- 00 detonated, killing the sixteenth Angel, and taking two-thirds of the city along with it. None the less, the girl made her way to a familiar entrance, which would lead her to the public area of the Geo-Front and it's infirmary. She was on a quest to fulfil a promise to a former classmate friend, and one she had secretly cared for, to look in on his sister.  
  
Hikari Horaki had been evacuated when the rest of the civilians left after the sixteenth angel attack as their homes were destroyed after Unit-00's self-destruction. Now she was there to fulfill her last duty as Class Representative of class 2-A. "Oh Touji. why did you have to die?" She said to her self as tears ran down her sullen cheeks. She stopped and sat down at a nearby bench. Her remembrance of the former Fourth Child and classmate she had secretly given her heart to.  
  
She also though of how she had found out the News that Touji had died in the thirteenth angel attack, and how later with Kensuke's help found out how. She at first wanted to kill Shinji Ikari for taking Touji's life. But then Kensuke discovered that Shinji wasn't in control of Unit-01 as it tore the angel possessed Unit-03, crushing the Entry plug and taking Touji's life. Luckily Kensuke was there for her, and later Asuka. She then thought of them both. Kensuke ended up in Osaka-2 while Asuka to her knowledge was still here in Tokyo-3. She still kept in contact with Kensuke but had lost contact with Asuka just after the sixteenth angel attack. Hikari was worried and had then made a decision to see her since she was here anyway. Her thoughts helped calm her down, and within a few minutes she composed herself. Hikari continued on her way towards her destination. She had just made it to the Geo-Front when a downpour hit. She thanked god that she had made it in and walked to the elevator to take her down to the Infirmary level.  
  
Just at that moment, Shinji Ikari had finally gotten to the dilapidated apartment of Rei Ayanami. He smiled as the rain hit his exposed face, and he wondered how snow would have felt like before Second Impact, on Christmas Eve. Well it must have been much colder. But still the warm calming rain did help his resolve as he made his way up the four flights of stairs to Rei's apartment.  
  
A knock on her door alerted Rei Ayanami that someone was at her door. But as always, she didn't see a need to answer it. She knew that the answering of a door was a wasted effort. Only a few people had been to her apartment, and she knew they wouldn't waste their time knocking. Then she remembered the third child and his inherent politeness would make him knock. But before she could react she heard him. Shinji, knowing that Rei wouldn't answer the door, even this incarnation, opened her unlocked door and said loudly "Ayanami, it's Ikari, I'm coming in."  
  
He walked through the still messy and unkempt apartment and headed towards her bedroom. It seems this Rei still had the bad habits of her previous versions. Looking around at the messy and unkempt apartment only added to his concern for her. He found her lying down on her bed. She was staring at the ceiling while lying on her back. Rei slightly turned her head to face her fellow pilot. "What is it that you require of me Ikari?" No 'Hellos' or 'How are you's', just getting to the point. Yeah, Shinji thought, Rei hasn't changed much from her previous self.  
  
"Mmm, I see as blunt as usual" Shinji smiled but then dropped it as she stared at him with her unchanging emotionless eyes. This Rei wasn't as patient as the other was, and it was evident in her expression. Yet, although he could see the annoyance in her eyes as she sat up in the bed, a calm resided in them as well. That gave him some piece of mind, so he gathered his resolve and spoke to the enigmatic girl.  
  
"Ayanami, I need to talk to you." She gestured to one of the two chairs near her bed, which he then hesitantly sat in, facing the girl on the bed. Looking up at the ceiling to get his emotions back in control, Shinji thanked the gods that she was at least wearing her school shirt, with a sheet covering her lower half. That sort of distraction wouldn't help him now. This talk would be hard enough on him if this was the second Rei. But this last incarnation was different from the Rei he knew, so he had to basically start his relationship over with her. Shinji could remember the tour that Ritsuko had given him and Misato, previous to the last angel attack. The revelations and shock of what he saw and witnessed made him keep a distance from this Rei. But if what Ritsuko had said was true, this Rei would have most of the second Rei's memories, so at least he had some basis to restart his relationship with her now. That same Rei Ayanami then interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Ikari, unless you have something important to tell me, please leave."  
  
"Ah, no, no Rei. I do have something to talk to you about." He waved nervously as if to literally clear the air between him and her.  
  
"Then, please elaborate." He looked at her with a somewhat concerned look. He took a deep breath. "I . know . about your .origins, Rei." She simply stared at him for a few moments with out a change of expression, then blinked twice and she simply nodded to confirm what Shinji was implying.  
  
He then tried to qualify his rather blanket statement to her. "I know you are not my mother, but a clone made of her DNA. But that in my mind makes you sort of. like a daughter to her. At least from what I know, a clone is an offspring of a single parent." Though she knew his assumption was partially inaccurate, she simply nodded and waited for him to continue. "I also wanted to say that I hope this news does not change our friendship which I had with the other Rei. He then hesitantly asked, "Do you have her memories?"  
  
She again stared at him with those haunting red eyes and again silently nodded her confirmation, though a slight spark of light seemed to be there for a second. But it passed just as swiftly as it appeared. Shinji noticed this but continued on hoping to touch that reaction off again. "Rei, I know your previous self died fighting the Sixteenth Angel, and I want you to think about not following orders and requests which have a no win scenario." He remembered his father once saying those words, as well as in an old TV show about wandering the stars. But Shinji pressed on to his main point. "I want you to think twice of what others tell you to do." He took her hand in his leaning closer to the now prone girl.  
  
"What you did at the end of the fight with the Sixteenth Angel, Rei I don't want you to sacrifice yourself again." Shinji looked down and up with the hint of tears gathering in his eyes "I can't bear to lose you now, now that there are no others to replace you."  
  
He shook his head as if to clear his head "Rei don't you see . your like everybody else now, you are unique and special. You simply aren't replaceable anymore."  
  
He waited for her reaction until she looked at him intently before he continued. "So please think about that whenever anyone asks, or tells you to do something you don't want to do." She still had the same gaze as he finished. "Can you do that for me, please?"  
  
She looked at him with a puzzled look then she put her head down in thought.  
  
He saw some hesitancy in her manner so he then used their newfound familial bond.  
  
"I'm also asking you to respect my request as your brother when considering this, please?"  
  
'Brother? . Is Ikari my brother?' She thought to herself. Rei had to go back in her mind to remember the idea of what family is. From what she remembered a family could be those who are of the same family by blood bonds, a father, mother, brothers and sisters. But up to now she had only the Commander. And from her knowledge, he was only related to Ikari not her. But the way he treated him was atypical and not the norm of a familial relationship. That was clearly what Shinji was not proposing. He wanted a relationship of communication and trust. Though Shinji was her age he was still slightly older, and though the Commander was much older, he had put her and Shinji in unnecessary dangerous situations. Clearly the Commander didn't have a healthy and loving relationship with his son, and with her as well. She then reviewed the previous Rei's memories and found that her most positive and most trusting thoughts and memories weren't with the Commander, but with his son. And so balancing that with what she felt now about the Commander already, she accepted it. After a few more minutes she raised her head, looked intently at him and simply nodded  
  
Shinji sighed and smiled, and squeezed her hand. "I just wanted you to know that .that I will be there for you, in mind and spirit from now on. So whatever happens, I want you to know that you and I are family, and I will care for you until the day I die. So, whatever happens, know that, as your brother . and friend, I care for you deeply. Do you understand." She nodded again, as he smiled at her face, which now had a slight almost imperceptible smile.  
  
He then moved and sat down next to her on her bed, and clumsily hugged her. She was stiff for almost ten seconds not knowing how to react until she relaxed and stiffly put her arms around his waist. A quiet, but persistent message was echoing in her mind telling her to do this, though she was at a loss as to why. But the feeling of comfort and caring was clearly felt by the first child.  
  
After a minute or so they hesitantly, reluctantly broke the hug, with Shinji believing that he wasn't going to see her again, and she for the utter warmth and unexpected feelings the hug had produced in her. Rei was trying to categorize in her mind these new feelings she was experiencing when she caught Shinji quickly bowing, saying goodbye and saw the door to her apartment close. She stood there for a minute dazed and confused as to why he had left so quickly. She stayed like that for a few more minutes as she tried to make sense of Shinji's words, and actions. Getting dressed, she headed out determined to find her brother. She knew that siblings have a connection to each other, this new view on it brought comfort to her. She hesitated, reminding herself of what her purpose was. However, she remembered two things Shinji said, that he cared for her, and that she needed to make her own decisions when someone, and she knew he meant the Commander, asked her to do something that would harm her. Becoming non- existent in instigating Third Impact and Instrumentality was a good example for her. Then with a new determination she had not experienced before, Rei Ayanami left her apartment in search of her erstwhile brother, Shinji Ikari.  
  
As the little scene was developing in Rei's apartment, Hikari was getting rather unexpected news. "She's where?" The nurse had just explained to her that when it had been found out that Seventeenth Angel took a human form, the less critical patients were moved to Nerv's infirmary back in Tokyo-2 for their safety.  
  
So, Hikari was feeling down at having missed Mari Suzahara by a few days. "I should have called." She was mad with herself. "Oh darn it, why didn't I do that!" She said. Then as she turned to leave, she glanced on the nurse's chart, a familiar name was there on the charts protruding edge, and it was the name of her best friend:  
  
Souryu, Asuka Langley: Room 304, R.W. (Restricted Ward)  
  
"Asuka, . is here? Why?" She was trying to think as to why she'd be here now.  
  
Now she had to find out surreptitiously why Asuka was in the more secure part of the ward. In her previous visits to Mari, she found out that part of the ward was closed off as a more secure area, mainly to keep the pilots away from anyone who might harm them, but more to keep them isolated when something went wrong. Hikari then took a chance and asked the nurse on duty if Asuka was the patient in Room 303. She saw the concern that the nurse had, that alone told her volumes. But, before the nurse could answer, Hikari asked, "Please can I see her? She's my best friend!" Hikari was now filled with dread, at not only how Asuka was hurt, . but why?  
  
Her eyes told the nurse enough. She asked Hikari her whole name and remembered just before Asuka went into the coma she had mentioned that she wanted to "talk to Hikari."  
  
That alone made the nurse allow Hikari to enter, even though she was breaking a few rules. "Ok I'll allow you to see her, but I'm warning you, she hasn't reacted to anyone since she was brought in a few days ago, and dropped into a coma."  
  
Hikari simply nodded with a smile, as she just wanted to see her friend and was happy to be able to get the chance. The nurse seemed to know Hikari didn't hear all she said because she discreetly followed her at a distance to Asuka's room just in case she reacted badly.  
  
Hikari quietly let herself into the room, which was a simple hospital bed, surrounded by monitoring equipment. The curtain to the window was drawn shut, making the room rather gloomy and dark. There was a lone ceiling light other that the glow of the monitors. As she sat down on the seat next to the bed Hikari had finally got a good look at Asuka. What she saw shocked her. The vibrant and prideful girl she knew couldn't have been the girl she saw in front of her. Asuka's features were gaunt, and thin. Her complexion was almost a light as Rei's, and the outline of her body and legs through the sheets made her look emaciated, like she had been starved for years.  
  
Hikari gathered her inner strength and as she did not respond after a few attempts at verbal communication from a now sad and despondent Hikari, she thought of what could have happened.  
  
What had happened to the vibrant and confidant girl she knew?  
  
What had robbed her of her energy and will.  
  
Then she saw the bandage around her wrist. 'Oh God, she didn't, . did she?' was all Hikari would think of for a few minutes until she looked at her friend's face. 'Oh God .she did!'  
  
"Why Asuka, why'd you do that?" She said out loud, as she started to sob. She finally realized that her friend had tried to commit suicide.  
  
'She couldn't handle the pressure, . or was it something that happened to her. Oh no, Why her? She was so confident so.'  
  
It suddenly dawned on her as she realized it was all a mask, a false sense of bravado to hide how truly vulnerable she really was.  
  
"Oh Asuka! I'm sorry I couldn't see your suffering." But she also realized that her friend didn't want anyone to see the 'real' Asuka, . even her best friend.  
  
As Hikari was pondering this revelation in Asuka's hospital room, a wet Shinji Ikari with a sad smile on his face wandered into the Infirmary's entrance. He knew exactly where he was headed and didn't stop at any nurses' station as he moved to the elevator, then down to the correct floor, and finally to the intended rooms door. What he didn't know was that his newly identified sister, Rei Ayanami, was following him at a distance.  
  
She had caught up to, and followed him since his departure from her apartment, Rei had thought of what Shinji had said and remembered one line he had said to her. A line that countered all that he had said previously.  
  
"I want you to know that you and I are family, and I will care for you until the day I die."  
  
" Until the day I die"  
  
He had never mentioned death to her in that way ever, even in her previous incarnation. Even the second Rei's memories had no parallel to this statement. She surmised that she needed to keep an eye on him for no other reason than to keep him safe. Then as she followed him down the hall towards his intended destination, she remembered the promise she had made after the fifth Angel. 'To keep him safe.' The third Rei would do that even if it were from himself. As Shinji entered Asuka's room, he was startled to find someone there he initially didn't recognize. Then as he tried to back out and tried quietly to close the door, the figure turned to face him. "Hikari? What.what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Tokyo-2?"  
  
"Shinji, ah, hi!" Hikari was stupefied at seeing Shinji. But then she remembered that he was Asuka's roommate and fellow Eva pilot. "Actually I came to see Mari, Touji's sister, and well they moved her. and then I found out that Asuka was here, so I came to see her." She then got up and approached Shinji who was still at the doorway holding the still open door.  
  
Her demeanor then changed becoming more drawn and angry scowl was now on her face.  
  
He did notice the red eyes and the streaks on her cheeks. 'She's been crying' Shinji thought.  
  
Down the hall, Rei had seen Shinji talking to someone within Asuka's room. Then he slowly backed into the floor's hallway, followed by someone else, who she recognized, 'Class Representative Horaki? Why is she here, there are no classes scheduled?' She thought for a moment, 'Ah, yes she is Pilot Souryu's friend. She must be visiting her.' So Rei hid behind a partition and kept an eye on the two.  
  
Shinji then shook himself back to reality and saw the concern on Hikari's face.  
  
"Sorry, I. I can come back later Hik . Hikari."  
  
She grabbed him by his arm and asked, "No, I want to know if you know why Asuka would hurt herself."  
  
"What?" Shinji couldn't believe what he heard Hikari ask. Did Asuka hurt herself?  
  
"What are you talking about Hikari, Asuka would never do that. She's too strong a person to do that!" He shook his head, Shinji just couldn't believe. then he remembered that she had a cut wrist when Section 2 had found her.  
  
"Then why did she do this?" Hikari said with some new tears in her eyes, as she went back to Asuka's side dragging Shinji with her, and lifted one of Asuka's arms, with a clearly bandaged wrist, with a spot of blood where she had slit her wrist.  
  
Then as the realization of Asuka's actions hit the brown-haired pilot, Rei stood at the room's door jam. "What Miss Horaki says, . is true Ikari-kun."  
  
"Asuka, slit her wrist?" sputtered Shinji as he asked the question more as a confirmation of what happened. He simply couldn't believe his own eyes.  
  
"Shinji. Shinji? SHINJI!" Hikari was now shaking his shoulders as the dazed boy simply stared at the comatose girl on the bed.  
  
It was too much for him knowing she would leave this life as he was planning.  
  
Then he turned and nearly knocked down Rei as he rushed passed her out the room's door. At first, both girls were too startled to understand what happened. Then it seemed to click in Rei's mind as to what Shinji did, . and where he was going. She turned with the grace of a ballerina and ran after her brother. Hikari glanced at her friend in the room's bed, until she followed the first child a few seconds later. She saw in Shinji's eyes something unsettling as if Shinji saw himself in Asuka's place. At least that's what she felt she saw. So, she followed Rei. At first, Hikari was confused. Why was Rei running up the stairs? Logically, Shinji would have wanted to run away from what ever had freaked him out in Asuka's room, and therefore in the infirmary. Yet Rei kept on climbing the stairs towards the roof.  
  
"The roof? Oh God!" Hikari realized just why Shinji had gone up there. She doubled her pace to catch up to the light skinned Evangelion pilot. It didn't take them long till they burst through the roof's door and spotted the Third Child looking out pensively at the partially devastated buildings of the Geo-Front. Many were damaged due to the falling debris caused by the explosion of Unit-00 that defeated the sixteenth Angel, and shattered a third of Tokyo-3, leaving a gaping hole above the Geo-Front to the real sky above.  
  
Shinji seemed quiet as he stood on the roof's ledge staring out towards the artificial lake at the Geo-Front's center next to the gleaming Pyramid of Nerv Headquarters. He wasn't crying, but from the looks of him, the girls could see nervousness in his slight and quivering movements. They looked at each other and silently nodded to each other as Hikari indicated by pointing at her self to start talking to Shinji, Rei quietly made her way around to the opposite side Hikari was standing. "Shinji? Hey Shinji, are you OK?" Hikari winced. 'Oh real dumb thing to say Hikari.' The girl mentally berated herself. But kept on going. "What are you doing here Shinji?"  
  
"Ju-just taking in the view, that's all Hikari." Shinji smiled back nervously, still standing on the roof's ledge.  
  
"Can you please just sit down please so we can . talk." Hikari asked with a now pleading tone in her voice. Shinji I don't want to lose another friend, and other one I."  
  
Shinji looked at her with sadness at how she was trying to help him.  
  
"Why do you want to help me. The, the one who killed the boy you loved."  
  
He saw her crestfallen face at his statement. That in itself confirmed within himself that what he wanted to do was right. He then made his final statement.  
  
She was startled out of that when Shinji said, "Hikari, you and Rei should stay back from me. I don't want you to be so close to such an unworthy wretch like me." What Shinji said startled both girls. Both knew roughly what had happened and neither could see why Shinji would blame himself for anything he had no real control over. But this was Shinji. He had previously taken the guilt of Touji's death, Asuka's being hurt, and Rei's Death (Hikari didn't know that) to heart. But both girls knew they had to talk him out of this final solution for him.  
  
"But, brother, you are not an unworthy wretch. Why would you think yourself as such?"  
  
Shinji vehemently and loudly interrupted. "I've hurt you Rei. I've killed Touji, which then hurt Hikari. I HAVE DRIVEN ASUKA TO TRY TO KILL HERSELF! So, I'm nothing!"  
  
He said barely in a whisper.  
  
Both girls were dumbfounded. But Rei remembering the psychological reports on Shinji, understood now he had gone beyond the line where he took every loss close to him as his own fault. She had to be careful with her words. She didn't want to lose him now that they have acknowledged their family bond. She thought of this as he continued his rant.  
  
"I have hurt everyone I care about, and why? " He looked back now at both girls. Concern was plainly on their faces. "Because I am unworthy of living with, and caring for anyone!" He whispered softly, "I'm lower than the sludge in the sewer." He then fell to his knees on the ledge, causing the girls to jump and try to get closer.  
  
He raised his hands towards them. "Don't come any closer. Please!" Shinji's plea stopped the girls on their tracks.  
  
Rei then got his attention with her reply. "Shinji-kun, you said to me earlier that you and I are family, and you will care for me. Is that accurate, Shinji-kun?" The boy pondered for a moment, looked at her and nodded yes. "Then did you lie to me brother?"  
  
Hikari was confused, 'Brother?'  
  
"No, Rei. I didn't lie to you, I do care for you." He said to his sister quietly.  
  
"Then why is it that you are abandoning me as your father did to you?" Shinji looked at her face. Normally Rei would have her stoic emotionless mask on, but now he saw something that hit him like a ton of bricks. She seemed to have what most people would say are the precursor to tears gathering as he also saw her chin quiver. She was . scared, worried about what he would do.  
  
This froze Shinji in place. Was he doing the same thing his father did to him, but now he was doing it to Rei? 'God am I really as bad as my father?'  
  
Then Rei started trying to think of what to say, "Shinji, as your sister, I'm asking you not to end your life." Shinji saw the sincerity in her face and the tone of her voice. But his inner demons were pounding in his mind telling him this would end all his suffering, all their suffering. Shinji was slowly succumbing to his paranoia and guilt. Yet he saw hope in his sister's eyes, he wavered, and stood to look at her.  
  
Then as he pondered this, a lone figure weakly opened the door to the roof, and took in the scene before her.  
  
As the figure stood there supporting herself by holding on to the door's handle, Shinji continued to be transfixed on the spot on the ledge he had occupied for close to ten minutes as he pondered his fate. Would he step down and let his sister and friend help him, or should he just jump and impale himself on the rubble below?  
  
As he thought about this. A weak but recognizable voice was heard from behind the two girls. "Baka, you'll jump when I say you can!"  
  
All three children looked at the source of the raspy weak voice to see a pale redheaded girl in a hospital gown, which barely covering her underwear, barely keeping her self-herself upright.  
  
"Well Baka which will it be? Jumping off and giving us three a heartache which would last all our lives, or coming here to carry me back to my room where you will wait on me hand and foot?" Asuka then smiled weakly, but then began to fall towards the pebble-covered surface of the rooftop.  
  
In three swift leaps, one right over the surprised girls as Shinji caught the weakened Second Child, and prevented her enduring more injury as he settled beneath her to stop her fall.  
  
He then looked at her face and remembered the lifelessness in Asuka's face when he had seen her before in her room.  
  
Now he could see the fighting spirit of his friend and roommate back in her face, and most importantly in her eyes who were staring at him intensely.  
  
"Well Shinji-Baka, I can see you're useful after all, now get me back to my bed before I catch a draft and knock you into next week!" Both children smiled quietly as Rei, and then Hikari came around the two and help them up to their feet. Shinji then took hold of Asuka's waist as she had placed her arm around his neck. They made their way towards the roof's exit.  
  
Shinji then quietly whispered to Rei who was at his side, "Thanks sister for showing me the light through the darkness." Rei simply nodded and had a subtle smile for her brother.  
  
As the four were leaving the roof, Rei, then Hikari noticed a single star shining through the gap created from Unit-00's explosion. The light seemed to be a spotlight being shone on them from this bright but distant star. As this was happening, Asuka noticed the girls glancing at the single bright star. She looked as well and quietly started humming a Christmas song. One that gave hope, and comfort to those who heard and understood it. As the four Children opened the door Asuka continued humming the song as they all looked up and saw the light flicker and then fade from that single star. They all had their own thoughts about the reason for that stars appearance at that particular time.  
  
Rei remembered that stars explode when they go nova so she accounted the star's light to that. But it also reminded her of an ancient story of a babe in a manger.  
  
Hikari was thinking it as a good omen for their futures especially since the Seventeenth Angel; the last angel had been defeated. Maybe from now on the word, angel will mean something other than a harbinger of death. Maybe an angel will be once again a ray of Hope for those who need that belief to live on beyond life's heartaches. 'Maybe Touji's one now.' Hikari sighed.  
  
But for Shinji, and Asuka the star meant that they still had a chance that they didn't have to throw away their lives. That there was a future and they would embrace it together. Then all of them started to hear bells that resonated within and with out. The bells were clanging out the same song Asuka was humming earlier It was those bells that froze the children in place enthralled at the sound and it's eventual meanings to each.  
  
"I HEARD THE BELLS ON CHRISTMAS DAY"  
  
By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  
  
I heard the bells on Christmas day  
  
Their old familiar carols play,  
  
And wild and sweet the words repeat  
  
Of peace on earth, good will to men.  
  
I thought how, as the day had come,  
  
The belfries of all Christendom  
  
Had rolled along th' unbroken song  
  
Of peace on earth, good will to men.  
  
And in despair I bowed my head  
  
"There is no peace on earth," I said,  
  
"For hate is strong and mocks the song  
  
Of peace on earth, good will to men."  
  
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:  
  
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;  
  
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail  
  
With peace on earth, good will to men."  
  
Till ringing, singing on its way  
  
The world revolved from night to day,  
  
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime  
  
Of peace on earth, good will to men.  
  
  
  
The children smiled to the fading light and quietly made their way slowly off the roof as their spirits and hearts were filled with a New Hope that their lifelong penance would soon be over as well as the rest of humanities as well. 


End file.
